Take What You Need, Not What You Want

After my last relationship, a part of me died. Ever since then, I haven’t been completely the same. I’ve given up on love and finding the right guy. I want it so badly but I’ve lost faith in it. That’s why for the most part, I’ve just been screwing around with guys for the past two years. I don’t allow myself to get too close or to completely fall for them. I just give up and give in to whatever because I stopped caring. I had experienced so much once already so I felt like I didn’t need to put myself back in the same situation.

Then, he came along. I never noticed him as nothing more than as a friend. After awhile, our curiosity for each other grew and we messed around with each other. I started to have feelings so I ended it and tried to replace him with another guy - something I have been doing for the past two years. I ended up going back to him and sometime after, something between us changed. Our feelings were mutual.

This is the first time in years I got butterflies. This is the first time in years that I care. This is the first time in years that I want to wait and take it slow. This is the first time in years I’ve felt these amazing feelings. This is the first time in years i’m this happy with a guy.

It’s like a spark in me just ignited.

But I’m also scared. I don’t want this to be a game.

In my heart, I feel that this is special. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else. I just know that it’s different. Is that crazy?

If this is a game, then please let me go.

Today is the first time in awhile I told anyone about my last relationship. I nearly cried. I didn’t even realize how much it had hurt.

Wow, so hey, fuck you.

This makes me both happy and sad. 

I’m so happy that I’ve been floating on cloud nine for the past several days.

But I’m sad because I’m this happy. Maybe it’s just my insecurities getting in the way. I just don’t feel good enough. I like him so much - I haven’t felt this way in so long and it scares me. It freaks me the fuck out. I’m scared of being the one that’s falling hard. I’m scared of having feelings. I don’t want to have these feelings. I don’t want to get hurt. What if this is all just one big fucking game? I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to be a game.

I’m scared and I kind of want to run away. I want to push him away like I do to most guys but I just can’t. There’s something special here and I can’t seem to let go even if I tried. I’ll just keep coming back….like we always have toward each other.

Usually he gets out of his car to hug me but this time, for the first time ever, he walked me up to my front door and wished me goodbye. 

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Omg I’m so happy this is ridiculous. I haven’t felt this way since my last relationship. I thought I’d never get butterflies again or just feel so incredible. Every time he touches me, even if it’s just a slight touch on my shoulder, I just melt. I get tingles throughout my body and the butterflies go awal in my tummy. This is the first time in years I’ve had feelings for someone like this. Of course, I’ve had my flings and crushes but it was nothing like this. It was nowhere close to how I feel with him. I just feel at home. It’s almost perfect. He’s truly my best friend and with the romance, it’s one of the best things ever. I can completely be myself and he knows me as my true self. I may not be crazy head over heels like I usually am, but I’m pretty damn smitten and I think it’s cus I don’t like the idea of him. I like him as who he is, flaws and all. This is the first time I’ve accepted a guy for who he truly is and I’m not trying to change him. I’m so happy and I really don’t want this to end. And wow I’m literally so happy that I’m just babbling and not even trying to make this sound eloquent. Yeeeeee!

I did something crazy. I snuck him into my house last night. We were helping our friend with our essay. Then, we fell asleep cuddling. In the morning, I made him breakfast and we cuddled some more. Even though our time spent together was so simple, I’m happy. I haven’t been this happy in so long. It’s been a very long time since I felt this way and it’s nice.

There’s always that one person that you will always love. Perhaps he/she is your first love. Let’s say they are for this sake. Maybe you treated them shitty. Maybe you treated the ones before them shitty too but you loved your first love the most. Perhaps you loved him/her the most but it wasn’t able to work out. You guys couldn’t change and go back to the way you were. Just so much shit have happened between the two of you and there’s no way it would work out again no matter how many times you tried. And perhaps… perhaps there will be one person after the first love. They may be the one right after or it might take a few people to go through first. But after your first love, you’re going to find the one that you love just as much if not more and you’re able to change or at least treat them the way you should’ve treated your first love. He/she will be the right one. The one you’re meant to be with.

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here but I don’t really care or mind too much. I’m trying not to take this seriously. I’m trying to be chill about it and for the most part, I am quite chill. I’m not too worried about this or trying to cage him. I’m just enjoying the moments I have with him.

I just feel so comfortable with him. It’s probably because we started out as friends first. I never was attracted to him at first sight. Never have I ever thought about getting with him when we were first friends. I just saw him as a nerdy, smart older brother. 

Then, we got closer in our friendship. I started to notice him because I began to discover the real him. His flaws, his good traits, and everything. I admit half of his personality gets on my nerves and the other half I do like. I find myself loving and hating him at the same time.

For some time, we got pretty physical and I decided to put an end to it. I developed feelings and I knew he didn’t feel the same. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him since he was dealing with so many other issues. So for about a month, we hardly talked. When we picked up again, he was more stable but still had quite a few things going on. Of course, it was awkward at first but we quickly became good friends again. Our bond became closer. It got to the point in which he hates me but in a caring way. If I went away, he would miss me, according to him.

I like how I can be myself with him. I can be weird and not worry about having to look “pretty” or “cool.” I like how we can do the most boring things like homework together or running errands all day and it doesn’t feel awkward or annoying. I don’t mind it. I like how we can be mean to each other but know deep down inside, we truly care for each other. I like how we can be honest with each other. He can tell me I’m annoying the shit out of him and I can tell him when he’s being an asshole. We’re not mushy or lovey dove or anything. I like how he’s always there for me as a friend.

I think we have a pretty good foundation as friends and that’s why it seems to work. That’s why I’m not head over heals crazy about him. I’m chill about it. Yeah, I like him and I do get squeamish and happy and girly but I’m not trying to cage him into a serious relationship. I understand his situation and I understand mine and ours. He’s going to be here for at least one or two more semesters and then transfer. He’s still in love with his ex girlfriend of seven years. That’s understandable. I’m fine with that. I’m not going to stress or worry over it. I’m just going to enjoy the ride. I’ve been in a long term relationship before and I know it takes time to get over the person. What he needs right now is a friend and I can be that. If we happen to date, cool. If we don’t, cool. I know that we can remain friends no matter what. I’m just happy that I like him and he likes me. I’m happy that we can be good friends and spend time together and it’s not awkward or pressuring.

I never fell for his looks. This is the first time too.

I fell for his personality and our friendship. The looks was just a plus.